Aye well, it is Sunday after all.
Welcome back folks; its a fine day here at the Most Useless Ministers Show (MUMS) and the competitors for the Fuggly beauty contest are nervously putting the final touches to costume and makeup. To those who have never actually seen the event, it will be a strange, confusing competition: but, for aficionado’s it is a must see event. The prize is awarded to the most inept government minister, not the team representing their minister. The scoring is complex: but essentially, the minister with the most points wins the Disaster After Flaming Tragedy (DAFT) cup. It works thus:-A department may score up to 10 points for a single disaster, with a bonus of 5 points for each associated disaster, provided they are concurrent and follow the same theme. A new theme is worth a whopping 20 points, so there is great competition to generate multiple cock-ups on different themes and then, produce a theme associated duck up.
For the new viewers – a recap. E.g. The cleaning department wanted two dozen, top of the line, very costly whizz bang vacuum cleaners. New theme 20 points. In order to procure them, they had to justify the outlay, which involved laying off two cleaners as a productivity increase; 5 bonus points awarded for creative accountancy. During the waiting for delivery period the bull-dust levels increased; and, being short handed, cleaned only the part of the building the public would see, much bull-dust was swept into the fire escapes and under the carpets; 5 points for creative thinking and a new potential disaster. The new equipment eventually turned up, but the plugs were exotic and would only fit Indian two pin power points, 5 points for bad research. Eventually new plugs were sourced and duly wired in (the building you understand, not to the appliance) 10 bonus points. You can guess the rest - disaster following cock-up – then a big bonus score for the covering speech made at the annual dinner which completely vindicated all the cock-ups. The ultimate high score depends on just how little the minister is embarrassed and how quickly he can wriggle out of responsibility. It is a team event. That children is how the completion is played, scored and judged.
Now the DDDD stable has three entrants this year and is tipped to be very close to winning the coveted DAFT Cup with a trifecta. All the ministers entrants have developed some truly spectacular, entertaining disaster themes. Some of these are so cunningly concealed that the final score could depend on just how well the minister handles the ‘Oh Fuck’ factor yet to emerge.
The three ministerial entrants are:-
ASA: Thales . Tales of graft, corruption, dodgy deals, fiscal mischief and sexual misconduct have long been part of the ASA road show; all unproven and scurrilous; but they do affect the betting as folks do love a good, juicy scandal. Of course now under new management things will seem to get better, provided the minister call swallow, without blinking, the impending disaster, when the world goes to satellite services and the already redundant ‘Big Sky’ cornucopia is empty. The urgent need to sell off the liability may preclude the ASA entering next years competition. But, there’s value in a bet on the ASA; new themes, recent disasters pig-a-back on existing, heading to newly minted impending true horror stories. Even money to odds on are the best odds on display at the tote.
ATSB: what can one say to add even more credit to this outstanding department track record. Not so juicy a tale as the ASA, but for disaster, embarrassment, pure incompetence and linked cock-ups; ATSB stands alone. Often overlooked in the pre race ‘entertainment’, lacking the flash and dash of it’s two main rivals; but on the track and on form, the ATSB is up at the top of the betting board and experienced punters will be taking anything offered better than odds on. The new training regime will not affect the SP, at least this year.
Last, but by no means least – CASA; top weight favourite and hard to beat in the total shambles and complete disaster stakes. The form guide runs to some four, closely printed pages; cock-up champions three years running; stars of the disaster arena; doyens of unintended consequence game, and masters of the true destruction by stealth gambit. They have of course just lost their master of the game, an unfortunate road kill (bus of course); but it is of little consequence to this well seasoned, highly experienced, expert team of disaster veterans. Short odds again but, there may yet be value if the new coach is ‘found’ soon, that, is for next years pagent.
So those are the ministers entries; and, to the discerning punter, the only competitors worthy of serious consideration. There are other departments who will give their entries a run; but for the purist; the top three will always lure the hazard.
There is of course an alternate. Perhaps the minister has no desire to win the DAFT cup and is prepared to forgo the ‘selfie’ of himself, holding the trophy aloft and smiling, while covered in the shite overflowing from the toxic vessel. There are other options to consider.
The ASA disaster could, very neatly and with some kudos be avoided by privatising the system and embracing the Canadian model. With one fell stroke – disaster avoided, money in the jam tin and the blessings of government, industry and the tax paying public bestowed. A sure winner there.
The ATSB aberration can be removed in a heart beat: cancel the Mou, make the department responsible to the Senate (or minister) fund them independently and give Hoody some real clout, then turn him loose. Hallelujah screamed the crowd in the cheap seats; ‘brilliant’ the quote from ICAO and a big thank you from the unwitting, tax paying, travelling public.
The CASA beast can be tamed; just needs the right trainer and some judicious culling of the breading stock. Imagine, just for a moment, the accolades from industry when with a nod from the minister, the right man replaces the party preferred hack. Two previous ministers have, for various, nefarious reasons, overlooked the resume of ‘the right man’.
And so; from being just another useless, inept, NFI minister, to lasting fame as the man who dragged Australian aviation back to forefront is the choice. It is all to play for, but the game is risky, the competition tough; but, with industry support and unstinted assistance; winning of the pageant is always within the ministers grasp.
So, what’s it to be (or not to be) that is the question. Shame or Fame – times up.
Selah. Away dogs; get along now. I need some sunshine and breath of fresh air.
Welcome back folks; its a fine day here at the Most Useless Ministers Show (MUMS) and the competitors for the Fuggly beauty contest are nervously putting the final touches to costume and makeup. To those who have never actually seen the event, it will be a strange, confusing competition: but, for aficionado’s it is a must see event. The prize is awarded to the most inept government minister, not the team representing their minister. The scoring is complex: but essentially, the minister with the most points wins the Disaster After Flaming Tragedy (DAFT) cup. It works thus:-A department may score up to 10 points for a single disaster, with a bonus of 5 points for each associated disaster, provided they are concurrent and follow the same theme. A new theme is worth a whopping 20 points, so there is great competition to generate multiple cock-ups on different themes and then, produce a theme associated duck up.
For the new viewers – a recap. E.g. The cleaning department wanted two dozen, top of the line, very costly whizz bang vacuum cleaners. New theme 20 points. In order to procure them, they had to justify the outlay, which involved laying off two cleaners as a productivity increase; 5 bonus points awarded for creative accountancy. During the waiting for delivery period the bull-dust levels increased; and, being short handed, cleaned only the part of the building the public would see, much bull-dust was swept into the fire escapes and under the carpets; 5 points for creative thinking and a new potential disaster. The new equipment eventually turned up, but the plugs were exotic and would only fit Indian two pin power points, 5 points for bad research. Eventually new plugs were sourced and duly wired in (the building you understand, not to the appliance) 10 bonus points. You can guess the rest - disaster following cock-up – then a big bonus score for the covering speech made at the annual dinner which completely vindicated all the cock-ups. The ultimate high score depends on just how little the minister is embarrassed and how quickly he can wriggle out of responsibility. It is a team event. That children is how the completion is played, scored and judged.
Now the DDDD stable has three entrants this year and is tipped to be very close to winning the coveted DAFT Cup with a trifecta. All the ministers entrants have developed some truly spectacular, entertaining disaster themes. Some of these are so cunningly concealed that the final score could depend on just how well the minister handles the ‘Oh Fuck’ factor yet to emerge.
The three ministerial entrants are:-
ASA: Thales . Tales of graft, corruption, dodgy deals, fiscal mischief and sexual misconduct have long been part of the ASA road show; all unproven and scurrilous; but they do affect the betting as folks do love a good, juicy scandal. Of course now under new management things will seem to get better, provided the minister call swallow, without blinking, the impending disaster, when the world goes to satellite services and the already redundant ‘Big Sky’ cornucopia is empty. The urgent need to sell off the liability may preclude the ASA entering next years competition. But, there’s value in a bet on the ASA; new themes, recent disasters pig-a-back on existing, heading to newly minted impending true horror stories. Even money to odds on are the best odds on display at the tote.
ATSB: what can one say to add even more credit to this outstanding department track record. Not so juicy a tale as the ASA, but for disaster, embarrassment, pure incompetence and linked cock-ups; ATSB stands alone. Often overlooked in the pre race ‘entertainment’, lacking the flash and dash of it’s two main rivals; but on the track and on form, the ATSB is up at the top of the betting board and experienced punters will be taking anything offered better than odds on. The new training regime will not affect the SP, at least this year.
Last, but by no means least – CASA; top weight favourite and hard to beat in the total shambles and complete disaster stakes. The form guide runs to some four, closely printed pages; cock-up champions three years running; stars of the disaster arena; doyens of unintended consequence game, and masters of the true destruction by stealth gambit. They have of course just lost their master of the game, an unfortunate road kill (bus of course); but it is of little consequence to this well seasoned, highly experienced, expert team of disaster veterans. Short odds again but, there may yet be value if the new coach is ‘found’ soon, that, is for next years pagent.
So those are the ministers entries; and, to the discerning punter, the only competitors worthy of serious consideration. There are other departments who will give their entries a run; but for the purist; the top three will always lure the hazard.
There is of course an alternate. Perhaps the minister has no desire to win the DAFT cup and is prepared to forgo the ‘selfie’ of himself, holding the trophy aloft and smiling, while covered in the shite overflowing from the toxic vessel. There are other options to consider.
The ASA disaster could, very neatly and with some kudos be avoided by privatising the system and embracing the Canadian model. With one fell stroke – disaster avoided, money in the jam tin and the blessings of government, industry and the tax paying public bestowed. A sure winner there.
The ATSB aberration can be removed in a heart beat: cancel the Mou, make the department responsible to the Senate (or minister) fund them independently and give Hoody some real clout, then turn him loose. Hallelujah screamed the crowd in the cheap seats; ‘brilliant’ the quote from ICAO and a big thank you from the unwitting, tax paying, travelling public.
The CASA beast can be tamed; just needs the right trainer and some judicious culling of the breading stock. Imagine, just for a moment, the accolades from industry when with a nod from the minister, the right man replaces the party preferred hack. Two previous ministers have, for various, nefarious reasons, overlooked the resume of ‘the right man’.
And so; from being just another useless, inept, NFI minister, to lasting fame as the man who dragged Australian aviation back to forefront is the choice. It is all to play for, but the game is risky, the competition tough; but, with industry support and unstinted assistance; winning of the pageant is always within the ministers grasp.
So, what’s it to be (or not to be) that is the question. Shame or Fame – times up.
Selah. Away dogs; get along now. I need some sunshine and breath of fresh air.